Piper and self-love

I googled Christian self-esteem, and as I hoped, a post came up from John Piper. It is pretty long though, and I just don't want to take the time to read it all tonight. I definitely need to read it though.

"I don't think I can pray that for you."

I did a Google search on praying--specifically for how to pray for people when you don't know what they're going through--and one of the articles that came up was from Christianity Today entitled Do You Ever Refuse a Prayer Request? It didn't answer my original question, but it deals with some significant issues that I've encountered with prayer. The most obvious is reducing God to our genie.

So with all the random stuff in my head, I really should be posting here more. I guess I hadn't before partly because of time, and partly because of laziness, and partly because I didn't realize how helpful journaling can be. I used to wonder why people did that. It didn't make sense to me. Now it does.

One of the things that came to me was that I've been tethering my own happiness to other people. I want friends, but I can't force friendship. I need to have something to occupy my time.  And the problem there is that I've gotten to the point where I have so little interest in things that I used to. Like playing video games or watching TV.  That's not necessarily a bad thing, which is actually part of the problem.  I used to feel bad about doing those things.  And so I guess I felt like hobbies in general were a waste of time.  But I took some time to look at some Christian writings about it this morning, and that was time well spent. In particular, I looked at Tim Challies and John Piper. I was really hoping he would have something, and he did. This article from Jeff Robinson was good too.

So it's okay to have hobbies.  I can think of a couple of things I can do to occupy time, and not a moment too soon. I was trying to nurture a new relationship, but it looks like it may be over and unsalvageable. That smarts, and it makes me wonder if I scared this person away because I seemed too needy.

I definitely have been craving human interaction more than normal lately, and I'm sure that has to do with me having more free time than I've had...maybe ever in my adult life. Well besides times when I was unemployed.

But those things that I am looking to tell another person I can put here.  So now what I'm wondering is whether this should continue to be on the internet. Maybe there's some stuff in my head that doesn't need to be public. We'll see.

And I think that it's quite fitting that when I googled Journaling, what came up is Journaling for Mental Health.

Trying to get it straight in my head

So once upon a time I went about Christianity with God in heaven, and me on earth. I pretty much did my own thing, within the bounds of the bible as I understood it.  Then things changed. Things started to happen that suggested that God was interacting with me personally. That he had been directing my life from the shadows all along, but now he was taking a more active role.

But by and by it seems I've lost the sense of that, and its almost like I'm right back where I started. So what changed?

When I look at my life, I can definitely see a sense of blessing, but not that same type of direction. But maybe that's because I only needed to get put back on track?

3 percent = 0.03

0.03x =

$120 - $100 - $14 = $6

$20 is 20% of $100
$6 is 6% of $100
percent difference is 14%. $14 = 14%


$1200 - $1000 - $14 = $186

$200 is 20% of $1000
$186 is 18.6% of $1000
percent difference is 1.4%. $14 = 1.4%

I want to make at least $28. I want to make at least as much on each trade
as TDAmeritrade is making from me.
$142 - 100 - $14 = $28. 42% change
(.42x + x) - x - $14 = $28
(xy + x) - x - $14 = $28
where x is the amount invested and y is the percentage gained
how big does x have to be for y to be 1?
.01x + x - x - 14 = 28
1.01x - x - 14 = 28
.01x - 14 = 28
.01x = 42
x = $4200

Goals

Okay, so here is my attempt to make my goals kind of solid, by putting them in black and white.  I've had lots of thoughts about what I'm going to do in the next two years, but not so many about what I'm going to do right now. Part of the problem is that making a decision about where I want to be in the next two years will shape what I do today.  So...what have I been thinking about?

I'll be eligible for retirement in 2019.  I would stay in the Army for a couple of things:

1. An assignment to Houston
2. An assignment to Fort Meade
3. Teaching at the Naval Academy
4. (maybe) A job at an education facility
5. (maybe) A job like HRC, 2501st DLD, or SUSLAK
6. (maybe) A cool O-5 job. Working at DISA Test Command sounds good

So there are a couple of things that I would stay in for.  But if I get out, then what do I want to do?

1. Work on university staff
2. Work at NASA
3. Work a government job in Houston

So then the question becomes, how do I prepare for any of that?  The nice thing about staying in the Army is that it doesn't require any schooling or anything, just coordination/campaigning for the jobs.  NASA is really the only thing that would require training.  But when I think about it, I really do want to learn more about telecommunications engineering. I've had the title for so many years.

And after the fiasco that was Korea, I know better than to try to set hard goals for the next assignment.  Let's get in the office first and get a feel for what the next 2 or 3 years are going to be like.  But I can still set some general life goals.

What is my life going to look like? How do I see myself in Christ?  That's really the big one.  My Christianity has always been a huge part of my life, and now its...different.

How to be assertive

From The Art of Manliness--how to be assertive. Something I definitely need to work on.

5 Biggest Little Ways to Improve Your Marriage

This was from FamilyLife. Pretty simple. That's too easy, right?

5 Biggest Little Ways to Improve Your Marriage

Assertiveness and Pleasure

Assertiveness. It is okay for me (and for everyone else) to have wants, and feelings, and opinions.  It is okay to voice those wants, feelings, and opinions.  It is okay--and good even--to seek after those wants.

Pleasure.  Pleasure is good, not bad.  Seeking after one's pleasure is good, not bad.  Seeking after one's pleasure can become bad, when we let our desires run amok.

Exodus 31

Exodus 31 is a short chapter, but the very first verse got me thinking.

31 The Lord said to Moses, 2 “See, I have called by name Bezalel the son of Uri, son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, 3 and I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with ability and intelligence, with knowledge and all craftsmanship, 4 to devise artistic designs, to work in gold, silver, and bronze, 5 in cutting stones for setting, and in carving wood, to work in every craft. 

So God has specifically called Bezalel to lead the work of building the tabernacle. The scriptures specifically state that he was "filled...with the Spirit of God," but not in the same sense as in the New Testament.  Or is it?  So what does it mean to be filled with the Spirit of God?  I guess the thing I've always been wrapped around the axle about is how does being filled with the Spirit equate to salvation?  I would think that a person that was filled with the Spirit would at least need to be walking with God--going towards God and not away from Him.  But is this like a touch from God, or does the Spirit abide with them?  Obviously the person doesn't lose the talents, but can they "grieve the Spirit" and have him depart?  Does grieving the Spirit necessarily imply that it leaves a person?

I'm not sure that you can draw parallels from the New Testament movements of the Spirit and the Old Testament or not.

Prayer?

That last blog entry directly led to this one. Because I've known that Christianity boils down to prayer and bible reading, but I haven't known what to say in prayer.  I mean, I can talk to God, but it shouldn't just be me rambling.  Most of the time, I don't really have anything to say to God. And is there anything wrong with that?  And I hear people praying these long prayers, but when I do pray, my prayers are usually pretty short. And I guess for awhile now I've been ambivalent about it.  I feel like it is okay for me to have short prayers, but I have become self conscious about praying around others.  I guess because group prayers are different from personal prayers?  Because individual prayer is about my "personal relationship" with God, but--I'm just thinking about this now--group prayer isn't.  So what is it about?

So back to Wikipedia again. It says that prayer is an invocation, and that an invocation usually takes the form of supplication, or petitioning, which means we're asking God for something.  And I guess that's what people usually do.  In my personal prayers, there isn't so much of that.  Well, sometimes there is, but its usually to bring me closer to him, to get rid of all the bad stuff in me.  But I guess I've gotten to the point where I'm not feeling the weight of guilt and shame on a daily basis, so prayers usually end up being worship and thanksgiving.

And I guess here is where the rub is.  I've always felt pretty comfortable about asking God to save me from myself, to perfect me.  I guess I can say that I'm considerably less comfortable asking for other things.  Now when I'm together with the praise team, I guess I should be relatively comfortable with asking God to bless our practice or our worship during the service, but I don't know if I've ever led the group in prayer, and I'm not sure why. I think its because of this uneasiness I've had about prayer in general.  Its like I've been holding off on all prayer until I can get things straight in my head.

Healing is the mixed bag.  Obviously it is something supported in the scriptures, but I guess I've been turned off by the word of faith people. And with asking God to perfect me or bless our worship, I know that those things are God's will. But is it God's will for people to be healed?  I mean, I would think so, but if that's the case, then why aren't they?  If I'm not being perfected, that's usually because I'm not making the right choices, because I've chosen to break from God in favor of my own wicked desires.  But nobody chooses to be sick or ill.  They want to be healed, and if God is also in agreement, then why aren't they healed?

So ultimately, everybody is going to get old and die.  That's the way of this world, the way of all things.  Sickness is one way people die, and I think it okay to say that sometimes it is God's will for someone to get sick and die, because that's the way he set this world up.  Especially when the person is very old, I wonder, should we even be praying for this person to not die?  Is that the right thing?  Is that God's will?  Ultimately, that's what I always think about.  Not what I want, not what we want.  What does God want?

Praying before a sports competition is always iffy. And I guess soldiers in war is the same way.  What if both sides are praying to the same God?  And they're both praying for victory?  Who does God answer? Whose side is he on?  Maybe neither?  Is it right for us to petition God on such things?

On the far side of the spectrum are the material things.  I don't even ask God for the things I need to survive.  I say that's because he promised them to me, but the reality is that I have a superabundance.  I sometimes wonder if things would be different if I didn't have the necessities.  I certainly didn't always have what I have now, but there's never been a time when I had to go without food because of lack.  And then you have the people that are praying for luxuries.  God wants to give me a brand new car. Misrepresentation.  Although the scriptures do say that he gives us all things to enjoy.  But not for us to consume God's blessing and favor with our lusts.

It is funny how this question has brought me back to the will of God, or rather the sovereignty of God.  I found an article called What a Sovereign God Cannot Do, and I think that helped me in my thinking.  And now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not sure if it is clear how I went from prayer to healing to God's sovereignty, but hopefully it is, because I'm not sure I can explain it.  But I'm seeing that God has ordained or established things. He's set things in motion. And when I say things, I mean everything.  He created man, he gave us free will.  Through that ordination, he retains sovereignty over his creation, even though he doesn't control every aspect of it.  Sovereign means that God has ultimate authority, that he is the preeminent one, "being above all others in character, importance, excellence, etc." It doesn't mean that every action that takes place in the world was something that he was behind.  He created the system; he doesn't control every aspect of it.

But we can ask him for things. He told us that. We can ask for people to be healed.  We can even ask for new cars.  It doesn't mean we're going to get it.  But the bible does say that he loves to give good gifts to his children.  The other thing I've always kind of thought is that if we get close enough to him and get to know some of his will, we may know whether a thing is actually his will or not.

But now with this new understanding of God's sovereignty, it really calls into question whether some of these things are God's will.  It may be flippant to say, but I'm thinking that God doesn't really care about some of it.  But then, if we say that, can we really say that God cares for us if he doesn't care if we live or die?  If we're sick or well?  Hmm...

I feel like I may have gotten off track here. But overall it has been good to record some of these things, and have them be more than just swirling around in my head.

Relationship?

I just want to put my thoughts on paper.  I think I have some level of peace about the whole "God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life thing." God does love us, but the whole plan for your life thing isn't really true. So that kind of helped me get out of the rut of "Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing right now?"

Now the question is back to how do I relate to God. I keep hearing that I'm supposed to have this relationship with God.  Spell it with an "R".  But how does one relate to a being that cannot be seen or heard?  It certainly is not a relationship like the relationships I have with other my wife, my children, my family or my friends.  So how do I characterize this relationship.

So I was looking at Wikipedia, and learned that relationships are essentially characterized by two things: trust and intimacy.  So those can apply to my relationship with God.  I can trust him, and I can be intimate with Him.  I can be real with Him, and not try to conceal those things that He can already see anyway, and he can reveal Himself to me.  And basically he does that through His word.

So that's really what it boils down to. And I guess I knew that already.  We can try to make it all mystical or whatever, but it really isn't a secret that the Christian walk really boils down to prayer and bible reading.

This caught my eye in one of the Dark Reading emails that hit my box awhile back--How I Would Hack Your Network (If I Woke Up Evil). It mentions some tools that are definitely worth a look, but I don't want to look at them right now.

I did a Google search for "talking over people." Most of the posts were about why people do it and how to work around it, but I was looking for tips on how to do it myself.  I found a thread called Wait vs. Interrupt Culture that not only contained a lot of perspective on that topic, but one of the posters also mentioned about how his conversation is shaped by his aphasia. The only time I'd heard the term aphasia was an episode of Deep Space Nine. But what the poster described reminded me of some of my own issues communicating. I looked up aphasia on Wikipedia, and found that my issue falls into the category of anomic aphasia. The difference with me is that the word usually comes to me. It couldl take anywhere from 3 seconds to 5 minutes, but the word always comes. It wasn't clear from Wikipedia or from the poster whether the word ever comes to them or whether it is just lost.  Of course, even a 3 second gap in conversation can throw things off. The thing that got my attention was that it is linked to brain damage and Alzheimer's.  I think I'll go back to my primary care manager and follow up on this.

Top 10 Qualities of a Great Engineer

Even thought my days in the IT field may be numbered, I think this list may come in handy in the future. Top 10 Qualities of a Great Engineer is a product of engineeringschools.com; I hope it doesn't go away anytime soon...

Pina Colada Crunch Cake

Okay, so I'm not going to make this right now, and I probably won't follow the recipe either, but I definitely want to come back and make this Pina Colada Crunch Cake at some point.  At first glance, it reminded me of Aunt Jean's Cherry Cheesecake recipe, and upon inspection, I think it could be improved by borrowing from that recipe a bit. The main thought is that this recipe needs to be frozen to be firm, but the cheesecake needs no freezing.  Basically, remove the pudding and the condensed milk (heartbreaking, I know) and substitute some sweetened coconut flakes.  The hook for this was "The Best Dessert You've Never Heard Of." It got my attention at least.  Maybe some day we'll see if that claim is true.

Things Every Hacker Once Knew

Got a link to Things Every Hacker Once Knew today from Code Project.  I felt like this was something that I should share, but it seemed to pedantic for the Facebook crowd, so I'm posting it here.  I was especially intrigued by the explanation of the 0-31 codes from ASCII. I knew a couple, but many had eluded me and I had always wondered about them.